I accidentally had phone sex last night
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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