ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
