i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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