If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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