I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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