I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
