In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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