based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
