do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
