I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize