No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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