ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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