Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
