I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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