Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
