Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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