nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize