um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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