i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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