How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
