how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
