just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
PANTIES FOUND
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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