hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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