i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
