I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
