I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
