that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize