Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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