i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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