i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize