Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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