He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
