His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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