Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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