News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
