Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
