i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
