I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just gift wrapped bread.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
