nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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