Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
