Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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