Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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