well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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