Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
