You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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