my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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