I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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