Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
