Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
