I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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