I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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