Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
