I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
