I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so let's talk penis.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
