dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
