you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
