If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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