just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
