if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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