So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
