It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
