the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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